A letter to the 16 year old me

**Highly inspired by ShinD, and hope I can express myself well enough here.

Dear 16-year-old me,

Hmmmm, life had been great and lucky stars had been shining on you recently. The 7A1B PMR results surely had put you through the skies and make you above everyone else. You have pretty strong and high confidence in yourself in almost everything.

Starting of the year had been great. You scored pretty well in the first Ujian Bulanan on this year and it DID put a lot of others in shocked --- that how can a dumb boy outcasted them. Your egoism had just grown. But they had never knew that, for all these, you are doing it for her.

One fine day, you were talking to your friends and they told you that Ee Von already have a boyfriend. It is quite a big shock for you and you did gave up studies quite a little since then (worry not, you will somehow tell her what you were thinking out of a sudden in a random chat over MSN in about 2010.. or is it 2011? Can't recal though, I'm older, remember?). Results weren't good, emotion was bad. But you will be kicking away those bad emotions fast, but hard, and then focus on something more. You have started to participate in many activities, and you will be gaining a lot of reputation (but not the results, okay?) and becoming more and more creditable.

Being a leader and given more responsiblities, you will grow into a better man but still, the egoism flies high. Everything, as long as not in the way you wanted, you think it's wrong. The lucky thing is, you're not 100% ego as you still put other people's feelings into considerations at times. You too are willing to teach people what you know. Keep that up. Knowledge is for sharing, not owned.

2004
Form 5 will be such a great year to be remembered and enjoyed! Even though with the hectic timetable and tuition schedules, you still haven't let go up on your Taekwondo. It's good to know you're keeping that up. Just for the record, in this year, EVERY SINGLE FRIDAY, you will be leaving the house about 6.30am in the morning and reach back home only about 1am, the DAY AFTER. Tiring, but fun!

2005
"Career" wise, you're doing pretty good, however, SPM came real quick and of course, you didn't do too well. Colleges came into parents' minds but because you don't know what you want, you want to give it a shot in STPM. You started off pretty well, and you will be elected as the Assistant Head Prefect of STAR.

You want to know how you've got yourself elected? I gave a thought of it a few years later and it came down to two very important possibilities, and of which, I think it's good to be continued to practice them throughout the entire of your life time.

1) During the probation, they will be asking if there's any volunteer would like to help everyone elses to do a name tag. Nobody will raise up their hand nor say anything at all. At this point of time, a thought came into your mind "Man! How come no one wants to do something?", and followed by you raising your hand. You did not gave much thought to it. It's a simple job anyway.

2) You were never late, as it has always been, and always will be.

During the promotion, you wanted to be in charge of PA. Names were annouced and Kin Wai took PA in the annoucement. List goes on and your name were never called. You were about to gave up and suddenly, your name were called. Mr Sazli said that "because you are willing to sacrifice and volunteered into doing something others don't want to do, AND, you are never late, we would be happy to appoint you as the Assistant Head Prefect". Those were some of the words that I think encouraged me(the you in the future) throughout my entire life.

Then you will soon become the President for Taekwondo Club, Chinese Language Society and... I can't remember. There are quite a few I think. During your tenure, you will be raising and aspire quite some people who worked with you. To me, I think it's a good sign that you teach people back what you've learnt from someone else. Do not own one knowledge. Shared it.


2007
Time flies by and STPM came. IF I'm not mistaken, you did not pass your Physics eventhough you're a Physics class students. You did quite well in MUET though. CSI came into mind, and you started to be interested in becoming a coroner.

However, you did not do your survey good enough. You simply picked UTAR and go in Biomedical Science and start from Foundation courses again as you don't know what to do. Like I said, stars had been shining upon you. It wasn't a big waste after all. UTAR is quite a good university that nurture people in their soft skills and you really picked up a lot from there. You will start to see too, how people in the world behave like. Trust me, this isn't anything, yet.

It was a hasty decision, you and a girl became "couple" over the MSN. But you never knew that you were just another float for her. If I'm not mistaken, it's a 27-day relationship and it ended with you ignoring her calls in the end because you have lost faith.

2008
Life goes on for the next few years and you did met quite a bunch of good people too! You did fell in love with another 2 girls at 2 different time, but you were never able to patch up with anyone of them. The second girl here actually turn you down before you even started speaking. You will be joining the Wataniah. You almost gave up on the 4th day itself and about to cry!!! But your senior David tells you that "if you can do what is being told here, you can do anything in the world". You took that advise and you really do your best. You graduated successfully from the 1-month-hectic army training and you got back to university again.

2009
You will be failing in your Metabolic Biochemistry twice. First one in Year One, and second time in Year 2. The second fail is which that started to change your life. PTPTN loan will be freezed. UTAR ain't providing a loan because you don't have external guarantor. Daddy wanted to loan the money from bank and put on you but you know that you can't waste more money.

You know that your heart is no longer there. Of course, you cannot take up all the money and waste up in the end getting nothing. You opt to give up this chance and let your siblings have it. Great choice. You are not wrong after all. You started working about one month later. Here is where you starting to see the REAL WORLD.

Your first boss is great. He will be teaching you quite a lot of things and of course, in return you did a lot of things too! Just that, the pay isn't too good, for real. You are living in KL and your starting pay is RM 1200. And you need to get a car because you will be doing sales. Company ain't giving you a car. It's okay. Your boss said that they will raise your salary to RM 1800 once after 3-month probation.

3 months passed and paycheck came in. It was RM 1400. You build up some great courage and confront your boss. You will be hearing this: "Oh, I am. I'm going to raise it to RM 1800 eventually. Where got people one shot jump so high one?", and you bought it. One year later it's still RM 1400. Your sales are actually quite good. So good that the boss too, eventually cancelled off your commissions. Stay calm.

You were disappointed but you can't do anything. You have got no degree to move on. Lucky stars are here again. You've got an offer to work in China.

2010
Trust me, this is the starting of my nightmare (yours too la of course!). For 1 year and 7 months, you're pretty much on your own because their culture isn't something you are expecting. Note that, there's this woman who tried to pull you into adultery but you're smart, and good enough to not do anything stupid. Besides than that, there's this girl who is nicked as "1986" too will fall in love with you. You know that it's not going to fruit and so you didn't give her any hopes.

2011
In the 9th years after 16 years old, you're finally 25 and you're going to stand at where I am now. You will be given a great opportunity to learn all the things you can't get from a textbook but, you seriously will be damn tired and work like there's no tomorrow.

Since China until now, you had been closing down on the inside, though you're STILL helping those who needed help, may it be a pair of listening years or reading eyes. You won't know where this is leading you, but at this point of time, you're feeling 35 and alone. Alone not as in without a girlfriend, but alone in this world.

At this very moment, I wished that I can go home and work there. I am very tired.

I want to cry.



p/s: 40-year old me, please write me a letter too, with love.